The thing about travelling with friends is that it almost always brings out a different side or aspect of whoever you're travelling with. You'll never really get to know a friend until you go travelling with him or her, because you will need to spend time and share your personal space with him or her, and that forces people to show their true nature. It highlights and reveals their priorities and preferences, and to some extent, their principles and values.
During my student exchange programme (SEP) in Osaka, a friend and I had planned to go on a 3 week trip round Japan before we officially start the school term at Osaka University. I had known this friend of mine for close to 3 years as we're both from the same course in engineering, and as our course is small, we basically know one another quite well within the cohort. This friend is also in the same student society as I am, Japanese Studies Society, as we both have interests in Japanese culture. However, our interests lie in different aspects of Japanese culture; he is interested in Japanese anime, manga and games, while I am interested in Japanese music.
So there's actually a bit of a background story to this story. I was on an incredibly tight budget for the trip, while he had a budget that was more than adequate. Though we had planned the trip to be a very cost-saving one (we tried to stay at the cheapest places), we both knew that it would still come up to a substantial amount. Nevertheless, I still sought to spend as little as possible on the trip.
So there came a morning when we were supposed to embark on a train journey back towards Osaka. The weather was extremely bad as it was raining heavily and the winds were strong. Upon leaving the guesthouse, we needed to get ourselves to the train station which was considerably far away (25 minutes by walk). My friend, who had anime goods in his hand, wanted to take a cab to the station. I immediately refused because taxi fares are exorbitant in Japan. That's when the conflict started. In the end, we parted ways as he took a cab to the station, and I walked to the station with an umbrella in my hand.
You see, we could not see eye to eye about spending the money for taking a cab. My priority for the entire trip was to save as much as money as possible while his priority was making sure that his goods were not wet because of the weather. At that point of time, I really could not understand why he would treasure his goods so much; I mean, I am not an anime fanatic myself so I didn't understand why people would spend so much on anime goods and merchandise. What irritated me further was that he had no intention of paying for my share of the cab fare if I were to take it with him. He had completely ignored the fact that I had little money to spend and my priorities. Eventually, we could not come to an agreement and we went on our own towards the station.
My impression of this friend had changed then. This conflict was just about a small matter of taking a cab but it taught me a lot about this friend of mine and his priorities. Even though we're still good friends, I know now that he's very protective of his interests. Now, I think twice about asking favours from him, especially those involving money.
Hi Kin Wai,
ReplyDeleteBeing someone who self-funds my trip, I would do the same thing as you actually. I guess being overseas always prime me to be stronger mentally, so I'd be more prepared to take on more "hardships" (like this) if the situation calls for it, since I'm now totally on my own. Nonetheless, there are some things that I'd do, if I were you, to improve the situation in the future. "Improve" because personal values are hard to change, but using these as guidelines might help sweeten the situation a little next time.
1) On trip priorities:
Did you two discuss how much you were willing and able to spend, while planning for the trip beforehand? And it’d help if you run through with him situations like these and your responses just so that you can gauge his reactions. It might seem like you're going too much into details, but it really would help prepare you a lot more mentally. On a more practical note, discussing such situations beforehand could help you two reach a better compromise too. For example, he could pack in plastic raincoats , pre-trip, to protect his things etc.
2) On personal priorities.
Like you, I find it hard to understand why people are willing to spend so much on say, branded goods, when they can get something of similar design and quality for a much lower price. Nonetheless, understanding where they're coming from would help you think more coolly and better understand their reasons for spending on what you think is trivial.
For example, you can replace the anime with your most treasured thing. Then, ask yourself how much you’d go for it (monetary or not). This might help you visualize better the importance that we accords to the object(s).
3) Improving the situation.
I understand why it irked you so much that he wasn't willing to pay for your portion of the fare, since having you onboard doesn’t add to the cost. However, given that you’re both very heated over disagreements and arguments, it would probably not occur to him then, to be generous and just have you ride “for free” with him. Nonetheless, since you’ve stated beforehand that you wouldn’t take cabs, perhaps offering to pay for a token sum of the fare and explaining your reasons for paying little, might go a long way in appeasing him and making the situation better.
To make this work, it would help for you to be calmer and explain to him your prior agreement and priorities that both of you had discussed earlier. Remind him of your budgetal constraints and offer to pay a bit as peace offering.
However, if he still insists that you pay the "fair share" of half and totally ignore your reasons, then explain to him that you really can't, then split ways to take different transport. It takes a lot of effort to remain cool and collected, especially when your personal interests are under attack, but it would go a long way in maintaining ties.
4) Follow-up.
After the incident, when you two have cooled-down, it would help if you collect your thoughts then ask explain to him your reasons for splitting ways. Ensures that he knows your reasons and if possible, make an agreement on the compromise that you two could take for future incidents. For example, if it rains again and he needs to take his anime out, we'll first try to protect it with plastic sheets or raincoats. If it can't be protected, you'll take the bus and he'll cab and you two meet up again at the destination.
Having such agreements ensure that future arguments are minimized as you two now understand each other's needs better and are prepared to give in more.
Anyway, reading your SEP stories reminded me of what my friend shared with me during her Korea Summer exchange. Basically, my friend, XY, is very thrifty as she self-funded the whole trip; whereas her friend, JA, was 100% parents-sponsored and they are financially much more well off. So throughout their six weeks there, they had many conflicts over basic, but important things like staying in a youth hostel VS hotel, walking 2km VS taking bus, cooking and eating (almost) the same food daily VS eating at cafés and restaurants. They ended up cutting ties after the trip due to irreconcilable differences, so I'm really glad and relieved that you and your friend still maintained your friendship after SEP!
ReplyDeleteHi Min Hui,
DeleteThanks for your mature and thoughtful comments! The thing about this incident is that there were actually many other little things that led up to the conflict, which I simplified and left out because it would make the whole story too complicated. So in the end, I should say both parties were almost equally at fault.
However, I do agree with what you've said about how to sweeten the situation, or even avoid the conflict altogether. Sometimes, a little compromising can go a long way in preventing conflict and maintaining friendships and relationships.
But I think that sometimes these conflicts are necessary to allow us to understand someone better. To me, what's more important is to recognize that such conflicts arise due to differences in priorities, needs or whatsoever, and is only temporary, but friendship is something that should be treasured. True friendship should only be strengthened by such conflicts.
Hi Kin Wai,
ReplyDeleteI must say that I am really impressed that u made such a stand. If it were me, I would have probably given in under pressure as it’s a foreign country and I don’t speak the language.
In my opinion, if he was adamant about taking the taxi because he did not want to damage his anime stuff, it is only logical that he should be more than willing to pay the full price. I’m pretty sure that if anime goods were so valuable to him, he would have done everything possible to protect it. But since he did not, in my opinion, he treasures his anime more than your friendship.
That being said, I really believe that you did the right thing by deciding to go to the train station on your own. If it were me, I would he told him, ‘eh look, u want to take the taxi to save your precious anime and you are willing to pay the full price if you take the taxi alone. What is the difference if I come along?’. If u had said what I would say, I’m sure the argument would have gone way worst. So I believe that u did the best thing you could do.
Hi Kin Wai,
ReplyDeleteAfter reading your post, i felt a little pity towards the precious 3 year friendship both of you guy have accumulated.
Perhaps, you could treat this as a positive experience in term of knowing this friend of yours better. Fortunately, the friendship did not end at that point.
I think different people place a different emphasis on the importances toward different things. Perhaps those anime books are really important to him in his perspective?
Maybe you can be the magnanimoous one and forgive him?
Keeping the friendship strong will definitely be a wise thing to do!
Cheers;
Edmund
You've drawn quite a number responses Kin Wai and Min Hui's tips are excellent. I can see how different priorities can sometimes put strain on a friendship but do remember that people change with time so maybe - don't give up on your friend so quickly - over one taxi incident.
ReplyDelete